If you’re a not so newish blogger anymore. You know that blogging is totally addictive. And you need things to support your habit. Like comments. Lots of it. And probably some sponsors. (For the record, I am for sale. My ad space that is. Heh.) A few would be nice. And of course, traffic. Up the wazoo would be ideal.
And whilst we’re on the subject of traffic. I’d be the first to admit that I am a bit OCD about my stats. And yes, I know it’s not and shouldn’t be about the stats. It’s about the joy we get out of blogging. The friendships. The camaraderie. Ladeedah, ladeedah. I get that. Totally.
If only I could get more cult followers.
Sigh.
But as Big Momma Oprah would say. “Be grateful. Now, shut the fook up.” Chillax, people. I know Lady O would not say such filth.
Anyway, as I was saying. Traffic obsessiveness is only natural. Embrace it. Own it. Be proud of it. Celebrate it. Dance with it. Put a ring on it. Gagging yet?
The funny thing about traffic though is that you get some very interesting perverts err googlers landing on your site.
Take my all time top two keyword searches for example.
1. Vagina
Actual search terms:
- Eating vagina
- Eat vag
- Undie stuck in vagina <— honey, good luck with that.
- Eat out vagina <— is this like vagina to go?
- Curious boy vagina <— I sincerely hope this was not my Mr8.
- Cace vajina <— I’m presuming this is Spanish. Si?
2. Vibrator
Actual search terms
- Clitoral itching vibrator <—WTF?
- Revolutionary vibrator <— now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout.
- would you buy vibrator husband <— am confused, who’s using the vibrator?
- I love my husband penis <— Nothing to do with vibrators. Just couldn’t resist.
I know, right?
They have all landed here on my sweet little blog. Me, the one who is most pure. Cough. Me, the one who is most chaste. Cough again. Me, the one who does not even own a vibrator. No need to cough here because it’s 1000% true. Ask my husband.
Sure, I sometimes talk about vaginas. I’ve even posted one about The Curious Case of the Undie-Eating Vagina. But it’s not like I have a gazillion posts about vaginas. Nor, do I go about purposely saying vagina, vagina, vagina. It just doesn’t make sense. But the interwebz is a mysterious place. Full of pervs.
And the vibrator fascination?
Again. Just one post about it. One post, pervsters. One. Sheesh. Let it go.
I guess. I can’t really blame them. This magnificent work of art took home the highly coveted “Vibrator of the Year” award in 2009.
‘Nuff said.
2011, Mummy-Time. All rights reserved.
Wow, I didn't even know there was a counter that showed you how people arrived. If so, people are probably finding me by googling For fucks sake, get fucked or what the fuck. You will have to tell me how you know this stuff!Loved it!
Hey, this post will make your blog rise in the "vagina" search rankings again.
Some of the comments to this post might even give you more bang for your buck!All puns intended, however bad and tasteless they may be, because it's getting late in the evening and I'm getting tired. So there. 
My #1 search term of all time is 'ben wa balls'
loooool sorry, that's all I can currently say.Might be because I'm way too tired as I have to get up in 6 hours.Might be because of the comments concerning the keywords.Anyway, love that post! LOL
Now see, I never would have found you since I would have been googling vagina as "shine","muff" or as my little one calls it: "the giney" (rhymes with hi-nee)!As far as building your traffic goes,I'm happy to help, but if I mention you one more time on my humble blog my hubby is going to start thinking we are having cyber sex.What the feck, let him wonder…..
I read every post, but I don't comment everytime. I will from now on even if it is just a
. Or maybe I'll comment with the word vagina. Just so you remember where you stand in the google ratings. 
This was an interesting post….Interesting to say the very least. Well, at least I got a good giggle out of it
Nearly wet myself on that one. This one will surely get some mega-hits with all that vajayjay talk. You are one funny chick. You crack me right the hell up. I am still not savvy enough to understand the nuances of traffic obsessiveness, though I do know how many hits I get and I love to look at that. Nonetheless, this was highly entertaining as always.
I honestly do not know what you are talking about. There's a way to see who visits and from where??? LOL! I just blog to entertain my close, personal friends (and to keep me from drinking the poison Kool-Aid!).
@LB – Google Analytics and Stat Counter. Both of them are free. Squeee!!!
you better wash your blog out with soap and send it to the naughty corner LOL .Loved this one that will bring the traffic.
My all time fav: "cover up your hussy" WTF people??!! And don't you want to UNCOVER your hussy? Seriously.Statcounter rules.
I'm reading this at work and trying to stifle my laughter. My co-workers already think I"m crazy enough as it is……. You crack me up!
i guess you covered up all the times when you missed to say "vagina"…lol..!!!
You are too too funny LOL!And just to keep you top of the google list VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA PENIS ( just to add some sparkle to the list).When my 17 year old was a wee bit younger and my girlfriends and I got together for a chat if he was in the room and we wanted hime to leave that is what we would chant. Honestly we hardly ever got tho the second vagina and he was out the door. Course we could've just asked him to leave but where's the fun in that???
OOoh you are cunning. Your stats are going to go through the roof now haha. Slightly disturbing but hilarious as usual xx
Joy? Friendship? Pffft. It's ALL about the comments baby!
So will google still respect you in the morning like we all do?
@Nerdycomputergirl – ummm…probably not. Hehe.
Ha – that's funny. What a bloody wierd world we live in. And I'm with you on the blog obsession thing. I'm seriously trying to cut down on my blogging habit so that I can actually live my life!
LMAO, you really want even more followers? Mich x
I think I need a cigerette…
I have to admit, that if I had not just swallowed my hot coffee, I would have spit it all over my screen after reading this! Thanks for the laugh….and I am totally checking out the vibe, teehee.
I wish I could have some more stalk…er…followers than the three that I currently have.But with searches, I have had "how to get a third grade girls to like you wikihow", I do hope that was a third grade boy and not a priest; "when your child falls into the wrong crowd" and "wikihow launder money".Which means I am probably being investigated by the FBI thanks to the google pervs.
I am alomst peeing myself laughing.I don't even know HOW to track who peeping Tom's my shit on my blog, but the fact that you find a way to link it to the Cuda makes me giggle.You are frickin Fabulous.http://aprylsmindshowers.blogspot.com/
That is funny and weird. On a separate topic- you need to own a vibrator. there. I. said. it. GET ONE!No, it does not replace a man- but they sure are fun!!!!! (Not that I own one or anything, haha)
Ha ha! I check my stats constantly too. The weirdest key word that I get results from is "Sexy Old Ladies." wtf?? I'm already following and commenting, so I've done all I can to support ya- Love your blog
I'm all for shamelessly self-promoting! How do you check your key word hits???
@Kristy – statcounter. And it's free! Yipee!
Oh. My. Gosh. That's seriously funny. At least you're getting lots of action…er, your site I mean.
Bloody fabulous. For a minute there I thought that thing was a Wii remote. Wishful thinking. bwahahaha
People must find my blog by typing 'terrible moments involving hair – all kinds'. I'm sure of it.
So I pop in here to make another comment to this post, which is uncharacteristic of me I know, only to find that you've given your blog a makeover. I liked the old one, but I also like this look, too.Does a blog need to change clothes once in awhile, take a shower, hmmmm, let me know if mine starts to stink, OK?
But to my point – would you let us know if your blog stats have spiked since you made this post? Seriously.
@Brenda – I am glad to inform that YES there was a wee spike on my stats right after this post. Sadly though, I've lost 2 followers. Go figure!
I'm sorry to hear that you've lost a couple of followers. It's hard to know sometimes what will offend vs. what will draw people in. But above all, you have to be yourself.
Where do I get a stat counter? Perhaps I should say things like vagina and husband penis on my blog? Do I have to put that adult content warning on then? 2 followers might be worth it to say things like vagina, vagina, vagina, penis, penis, penis!!!!
Did you need a tutor to figure out Google Analytics and what Stat Counter do you use?
Nope. I basically fumbled my way around it. Heheh. The Statcounter is called Statcounter. Just google it. Then embed the codes into your HTML body. Good luck!
Google statcounter, Rhonda. And I'm with you on the vagina, vagina, vagina. Mwahahaha.
Man, you are too funny! 'Gorgeous Boys' continues to be the biggest draw card to my blog. I'm sure the Googlers are less than impressed to find a post about dogs
Oh wow, this had me rolling. Love your blog, you crack me up. <3
Oh, my you make me laugh! You know your traffic for vibrator and vagina will only increase now that you've posted about it. My biggest search terms since I started blogging are "sagging grandma boobs" and "big boobed grandma." I wrote one post about this being my top search term and all it did was increase the traffic.
Nice new design. Not understanding the comments system, however, since I'm listed as a Guest.
Hullo MZ, you click on shadowy guy and select which profile suits you. You only have to do this once. And if you want to add your site on your profile, just click on "Add another site" tab and select whichever. Sorry for being all fancy shmancy.=)